she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
We need a shit load of segways right now
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
