Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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