we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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