the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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