Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Randomize
