i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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