So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
