I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
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