M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
