thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
