My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
You need a sexual gate keeper
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
