Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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