I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
