So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
