so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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