Someone shit on the floor
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
