I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Randomize
