i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
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