I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
