I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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