So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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