i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
