He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
