I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I need a beard to bite.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
