some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
