I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Randomize
