Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
