Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
