so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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