I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Randomize
