I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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