I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
