Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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