the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
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