I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
