I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Randomize
