come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Randomize
