atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Randomize
