I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Randomize
