I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
