What did we do last night that was yellow?
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
