He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
