Tell her she can't have a vagina
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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