I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
