Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
