i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Randomize
