oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Randomize
