Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
