Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Randomize
