i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Randomize
