when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
she looked like the before picture.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
